it’s possible to be lonely but also hate people. like matt says, i hate people. wish i could just find the one person i don’t hate, so i won’t have to be lonely anymore. thought i found her, problem solved—turned out she was just a person and i hate people. what should i expect—who isn’t a person? i’m sick of this whole thing it becomes less and less about her and more and more about me wallowing in myself. sorry i can’t help it—that’s what happens when you surrender your soul to someone you can’t get it back. she has it now, somewhere, tucked in a shoebox under her bed. my job is to build a new soul—start from scratch and that’s what i’m doing. do i hate her—she’s not the person i thought i knew—thought i understood what i was to her who she wanted to be. she’s just a person just like me and i hate people. i hate her not for any reason, but because i wanted her to be perfect and she’s just a person. i hate myself for the same reason—wish i wasn’t a person wouldn’t feel this way. wish i could be like sinatra—say “fuck em!” so self confident that it was all about HIM. but that’s not true sinatra got really depressed over ava—he’s just a person too. i hate myself for being a person.
this journal is pathetic who am i kidding? who is she kidding—if she really gave a shit i would sure be able to see it. right now i don't see shit from her. a big old nothing. don’t give me that crap about “i care” “i value your friendship” “keep in touch”…fuck you. you’re such a person, and you know how i feel about people. you make no sense to me. you know—i don’t care anymore about our romance. i just want to understand you and why you treat me like this. but too bad for you.
i’m also sick of being a friend—tired of hearing for hours about problems, thoughts feelings. as if you are the center of the universe. i care—but geez so much talking only makes your brain slow down. chew on it for a while.
i hate people.