Evil Dave Makes a Statement

When a living deity speaks, it behooves ASGossip and its readers to LISTEN:

Greetings, readers of ASGossip…

As I have been going around campus the past two weeks, I have heard some disturbing rumors. Chief among these is the rumor of my “twin”. Someone approached me asking about this person, but I had no idea what they were talking about. So, they explained it to me.

Someone, apparently, is planning to run as a write-in candidate named “El Presidente”. Their campaign is supposedly the “exact opposite” of mine, for example, they’ll say that they hate the People of the Lake, they like the name of the Stadium, etc. I think that this is apalling.

Why can’t you have some originality? Come up with your own ideas if you’re going to mess around. Instead, you just steal the ideas of other candidates? That’s pretty lame, if you ask me. And hiding your identity behind the name “El Presidente”? What’s the deal with that?

Anyway, let me just wrap up by saying that this whole “El Presidente” thing is ridiculous. And you’d better hide your true identity, because you know if I found you stealing my ideas, the shit would be on, if you will.

—Evil Dave Sheldon