The Quest

Brian Bender (Jul2001)

ONCE UPON A TIME

Long have I heard the legend of the Dairy Queen. The elders say she was trapped underground by an evil sorceror...waiting for a valiant knight to come to her rescue. They spoke of a mysterious underground labyrinth, filled with ogres and dragons. Many knights had attempted to find the Dairy Queen, but none had returned.

MY QUEST BEGINS

In my 24th year, I embarked on a mission. I must find the Queen, and return her frozen sugary riches to the people. The legend said that my quest would begin at the thriving commerical marketplace of the Thompson Center. Thus on a late summers day, I left my village to find the Dairy Queen.

On the road, I met Sir Farney—a fellow adventurer from a neighboring province.

"Where goest thou on such a fine day?" he asked.

I told him of my quest.

"Tis merely a myth," he admonished. "Many have tried, but none have succeeded."

"For mine own honor, and the honor of my village, I will find the Queen," I told him. And went on my way.

IN THE LAND OF PLENTY

Upon my arrival to the bustling Thompson Center, I was greeted by the Burger King—the local ruler.

"I have heard of your quest," he proclaimed. "Come into my manor, and dine with me. My chefs are cooking our finest beef and potatoes."

I heartily accepted his invitation, and filled myself with food in preparation for my journey. The Burger King also presented me with a gift.

"Take this paper chalice with you. It is filled with fine bubbly, prepared by our town sorceror, Dr. Pepper. We wish you godspeed on your quest. Have a nice day."

"Thank you, your highness. For mine own honor, and the honor of my village, I will find the Queen." And I went on my way.

THE PEDWAY TUNNELS

I entered the pedway tunnels on the outskirts of the Thompson Center. Immediately, I was struck by their treachery. The first tunnel I chose led to a dead end. The next tunnel looped around and emptied me at the place where I had begun. I took a swig of Dr. Pepper's brew to cool my head.

Seeing that my first attempts of entering the tunnels were met with failure, I tried a new approach. I travelled to the other side of the Thompson Center, behind the Dept. of Motor Vehicles. Here I met with success. An aged inscription on the stone wall read "Pedway".

THE LABYRINTH

I found myself in a dim underground labyrinth, filled with strange sights and sounds. Here and there, the road forked--with faded signs pointing toward above-ground villages: City Hall, Dept. of Marriage and Family, Daley's Palace, Illinois Center. I tried to stay on the main path--sometimes backing out of dead ends, sometimes wading through shallow underground lagoons. Many times I passed what seemed to be the same location--I wondered if perhaps the tunnels were enchanted.

I noticed that the air seemed to be getting warmer and steamier. Steam billowed from around a corner. I prepared myself to face a dragon. But alas, it was just a leaky steam pipe.

On another occasion, I encountered a staircase leading down into darkness. "Surely that path leads to Hades itself," I reasoned.

AN UNFORTUNATE ADVENTURER

At the junction of several tunnels, I found the body of a traveller who had come before me. He lay slumped against the wall, his once-fine clothes tattered. As I approached, he surprised me by lurching to life! But he was no zombie or apparition--he was still alive.

"Please..." he begged. "Do you have any gold?"

I dropped a few shillings into his trembling hand. "Tell me, good sir. Where might I find the Dairy Queen?"

"Ehhhh...." he replied, before collapsing back onto the dusty ground.

I continued on my way, feeling more ill-at-ease than before. Would such a terrible fate befall me as well? Will I ever find my prize, or shall I be trapped here for all eternity like this unlucky soul?

IN THE LAIR OF THE BEASTS

Soon the tunnel opened into a wide underground room with a cryptic signpost reading "METRA". It appeared that the room was once under-construction, but had not been touched for many years. Passing through the abandoned construction site, the tunnel once again narrowed--and I paused to let my eyes adjust to the darkness. The corridor ahead was lit by dim torchlights. I could hear the foul screams of dozens of giant beasts in the walls around me.

Suddenly the room opened again, and I was on a narrow footbridge, peering down into the lair of the beasts. The giant mechanical serpents screeched back and forth, their single glowing eyes piercing the darkness as they roared through the caves.

I crept cautiously across the footbridge, hoping the mechanical monstrosities would continue on their way.

MY QUEST POSTPONED

Two hours I wandered the labyrinth. Finally, I reached a stair pointing towards Prudential Plaza. I considered my present situation. My paper chalice was dry and my bladder full. My explorations had discovered many strange and terrible wonders, but no evidence of the underground Queen.

"I must return to the land of the living or I will surely go mad," I reasoned. I bounded up the stair toward civilization.

As I write this, I rest and prepare for the day when I will return to the pedway tunnels in search of the Dairy Queen. I will return with full supplies, and perhaps a trustworthy companion. By my own estimation, I have only seen about one third of the vast tunnel system. At the end of one of these paths, the Queen awaits.

I shall return.

Sir Bender of Near North Shire